Sunday, July 22, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: WHY is it so HARD to buy FUCKING ECSTASY.

BREAKING NEWS:

D.U.D.E (Drug Users, Dealers, and everything else) hosted a press conference from their headquarters in Portland, Oregon explaining why finding MDMA (Ecstasy) is frustratingly difficult for most kids looking to party and adults looking to spice up their sex life.
You know were tired of all the fucking shit we do for you assholes. We hide 25,000 pills up our assholes so people like you can go fry your brains, but what do you? You screw us all over. These drugs are not ment for 14 year-olds to be "fizzing" their fucking brains out. Did you assholes not ever realize your fucking over the guys that are mature and responsible that like to fuck with this shit?
 17 year old, Stacy Gibbons, high on large amounts of ecstasy at outdoor rave
You fucking kids are the reason why ecstasy is illegal, the same reason why Marijuana is illegal. Dumbass stoners and dumbass P-tot ravers fucking up our drug scene. You kids are the stereotype straight edge people use to label us as idiots.  
We proud members of the D.U.D.E. coalition have had enough of the bullshit with our dealers going to jail because you assholes rat them out to the police and will no longer be selling Ecstasy openly. In order to buy drugs from our affiliated cartel you will need to show 3 forms of ID and apply for a idiot-proof application. Your membership will be renewed once a year provided you take a test and you don't act like a complete idiot. Our affiliates will be watching you and report to us anything forms of "idiocracy".  
You must be 18 years old and have graduated high-school to apply for a membership with the D.U.D.E. coalition. No Cops or Snitches. We do background checks.
Following the press conference; 56,854,124 applications were filed within the hour. Looks like the good era of every pre-teen adolescent toddler selling ecstasy at the local high-school is over, however the price of weed has gone down to ten dollars a gram world-wide with the D.U.D.E. putting enforcement on their membership and the stoners aren't complaining.

Written by Channel 5 News Team

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