BREAKING NEWS: WHY is it so HARD to buy FUCKING ECSTASY.

BREAKING NEWS:

D.U.D.E (Drug Users, Dealers, and everything else) hosted a press conference from their headquarters in Portland, Oregon explaining why finding MDMA (Ecstasy) is frustratingly difficult for most kids looking to party and adults looking to spice up their sex life.

You know were tired of all the fucking shit we do for you assholes. We hide 25,000 pills up our assholes so people like you can go fry your brains, but what do you? You screw us all over. These drugs are not ment for 14 year-olds to be "fizzing" their fucking brains out. Did you assholes not ever realize your fucking over the guys that are mature and responsible that like to fuck with this shit?

 17 year old, Stacy Gibbons, high on large amounts of ecstasy at outdoor rave

You fucking kids are the reason why ecstasy is illegal, the same reason why Marijuana is illegal. Dumbass stoners and dumbass P-tot ravers fucking up our drug scene. You kids are the stereotype straight edge people use to label us as idiots.  

We proud members of the D.U.D.E. coalition have had enough of the bullshit with our dealers going to jail because you assholes rat them out to the police and will no longer be selling Ecstasy openly. In order to buy drugs from our affiliated cartel you will need to show 3 forms of ID and apply for a idiot-proof application. Your membership will be renewed once a year provided you take a test and you don't act like a complete idiot. Our affiliates will be watching you and report to us anything forms of "idiocracy".  

You must be 18 years old and have graduated high-school to apply for a membership with the D.U.D.E. coalition. No Cops or Snitches. We do background checks.

Following the press conference; 56,854,124 applications were filed within the hour. Looks like the good era of every pre-teen adolescent toddler selling ecstasy at the local high-school is over, however the price of weed has gone down to ten dollars a gram world-wide with the D.U.D.E. putting enforcement on their membership and the stoners aren't complaining.

Written by Channel 5 News Team

BREAKING NEWS: This FAMILY produced CHILDREN!

BREAKING NEWS!

Three months ago since yesterday, couple Mario Moreno & Susan Martinez produced a child in order to purely redeem the benefits from the federal government that comes with having offspring without proper living conditions. This young hispanic family will now be redeeming a thousand dollars a month for a substantial amount of years, but will most likely however use this money on methamphetamine and hydraulics to appear in the next COXCH music video.

Mario Moreno was only a sophomore at Oxnard Highschool before he dropped out with 0.0 GPA following being caught with a hand gun and three ounces of an illegal substance called Bath Salts. Given the choice of dropping out or expulsion, Mario dropped out but however was soon picked up in the streets on a felony robbery charge.

The mother Susan Martinez was a AP Honors student at local Oxnard High before she hooked up with Mario at a local Project X party. Now this was not a straight edge party mind you, well after the two hispanic teens had sexual inter-coarse repeatedly, Mario inseminated Susan with his ejaculation. From this point on Mario placed his clothing back on and left the Project X party.

The Oxnard Police Department is currently looking for Mario Moreno on charges of rape and so anything tip to his where-abouts would be much appreciated. Please if you see the mother be careful because not only is she a complete fucking idiot, but she also let the man in the above picture put his penis inside her. 


Written by Channel 5 News Team

BREAKING NEWS! Josh Stamps loses job and becomes ADDICTED TO DRUGS

BREAKING NEWS!

Josh Stamps, 29, was last seen breaking a cash register screaming at customers this evening at a local Petco here in Redondo Beach. Witnesses say Josh Stamps was fired from his job as a pet groomer, because he failed a mandatory drug test required within the first week of employment. Another witness is saying that Josh Stamps used the substance (bath salts) and is going to kill [EVERYONE]! So we must kill him right now.

Typical Sight of Josh Stamps

The hispanic adult charged this evening for felony assault and trespassing has been released on bail, but Redondo locals have already reported seeing Josh Stamps indulging in heavy alcohol use. Local Josh Ramirez spotted Josh Stamps [purchasing large amounts of cheap vodka] at the local CVS. Stating also that Fist Fight on Ecstasy has a show coming up in Ventura, check them out on Facebook.

[Yeah I mean I've known Josh personally over the years and have always figured him to be the addictive type. Generally one doesn't become addicted to alcohol, but he just did alcohol so much that his urine had a alcohol content in it and he started drinking it and he could get drunk over and over and over again. I mean God Damn son does nothing make you sick? Does your shit get you high? Don't answer that."

Josh Stamps visiting the Hillcrest District in San Diego

Awaiting several weeks until his court date, local Josh Stamps will remain under house arrest succumbing to a heavy alcohol addiction in coming weeks. More to follow in the coming weeks.

Written by John Williams

Plagues - The Cold Front Split

I'm not one to say hardcore rules, but I'll must say Plagues fucking is like a [thousand punches to the fucking face]. Their recent split with The Cold Front is only a taste of what is come in the future, I mean every instrument on the album was recorded at four different studios.

The album begins with a sludgy intro that proceeds with a traditional hardcore rampage with what is possibly one out of two songs on track 1. Going into Social Insomnia the track deepens with something seen more from stoner/doom metal bands such as Electric Wizard but still shreds.

A few months ago the band Plagues debuted their latest music video for the song Nineteen, impressing many the band has caught many new fans since. This song makes an appearance in the middle of side 1 of the split and still keeps at it. One can remember very well when the man caught on fire and jumped off the roof and Jason Schwartz ripped off his shirt and moshed.

Ending now with Unbalancing the Negative Space, Plagues again begins with a influx of fluxuating hardcore riffage combined now with a melodic Fu Manchu style breakdown ending with a youth crew sing along for a short few seconds. Plagues definitely is in the top five hardcore bands release wise this year.

Listen to the split here! http://plagues.bandcamp.com/
Buy the split here! http://irishvoodoorecords.myminto.com/product/tcfplagues-split-vinyl.aspx

Written by John Williams

BREAKING NEWS! GREATEST POP PUNK VIDEOS OF ALL TIME

5. Fountains of Wayne - Stacy's Mom


Every male (and female) has thought about having sex with his friend's mother, it's only natural and was just a feeling God intended for all of us to have. I mean the bible clearly encouraged incest but by today's standards one cannot have sex with their mother so they must fuck a friend's mother. I mean clearly this song reaks of Fast Times at Ridgemont High but you know what. We'll let that slide, because man I sure got a boner. For Stacy's mom that is.

4. Bowling For Soup - 1985


Bring me back to a simpler time when everything was oh so fine. Yes remember 1985? When Black Flag got shitty, good bands broke-up, and Disco ruled the world? Yeah fuck that shit, but hey [your never gonna stop me]. Anyways if you don't like U2 or Blondie then you can eat a fat dick because those bands are straight as a arrow. And if your girlfriend fucked all the dudes from Motley Crue then good for her, unless she's obese then well no one should have to indulge in such a tragedy.

3. Blink 182 - What's My Age Again?


Have you ever woken up and you didn't know what your age was? Were you running around naked showing hindu's and christians your male penis? [We started making out, she took off my pants]. I mean amnesia is very normally, fucking Denzel Washington had amnesia and so did the chick from 51st dates. Reminds me about a girl I dated in highschool in fact. She forgot who I was, but then was all over my dick then forgot who I was. Blink 182 knows my life story. Omgomgomgomg.

2. Lit - My Own Worst Enemy


[Can we forget about all the things I said when I was drunk?] Amen to that brother, because all of us have had that moment where we drunk texted a girl, "Hey babeeee whatchuuu doin? :)" "Are you drunk?" "Maybeeeee." "Grow up." "Awwwww :'(" yeah yeah we've all been there. Anyways [please tell me] how great you think sleeping with your clothes on is! I mean personally when I have sex I don't like to take my clothes off (including my boxers), because it gets so cold and everything you know. Swellbow has displayed their homosexuality by covering this great song as a joke song during their sets.

1. Sum 41 - Fat Lip


This is possibly the greatest song ever in the human universe, because I mean when you were a child and heard Fat Lip you were stoked as fuck right? Sum 41 knew your life story, we all [trashed our own house party, because no one came]. Who the fuck wants to act their age? NO ONE. Josh Stamps (Guitarist of Fist Fight on Ecstasy) is the only exception. If you don't know all the lyrics to this song, you clearly had a shitty childhood as Facebook likes to remind everyone on a daily basis with, (Like this if your a 90's baby!). Which in reality is just another way to reign one's own personal supremacy over others in order to call them gay or poser because not enough people liked their status on Facebook.

Written by John Williams

BREAKING NEWS! Joseph Mercado beats innocent child for scootering!!!!

BREAKING NEWS:

Joseph Mercado, age 17, was spotted recently in Moorpark [beating the living shit] out of a innocent kid for riding a scooter where he normally rode his skateboard. Eyewitness Reports follow

Joseph Mercado confronting Scottie Mark for scootering

"Yeah I saw this kid that looked like a kid, but he was beating up another kid. I mean it's generally typical in the Moorpark ghetto. White boys are always beating white boys, but then I realized I knew who that kid beating the other kid was. Joey! Fucking from back in the day. The kid in the Disneyland commercials. I'm not sure what happened, but I'm sure it had something to do with scooters."

Scootering for a long time has been a popular sport between children of the ages 4-12 because most kids are in fact more manly than the general popular skateboarding that games such as Tony Hawk and Skate have convinced 1000's of others that they themselves can truly be excellent skateboarders as well!

Joseph Mercado planning to kill the next kid he see's scootering

Scottie Mark, age 9, spoke to us briefly in the hospital speaking highly of Joseph Mercado for some strange profound reason.

"I just really like Joey. I want to be just like him! But he always makes fun of me and just expects me to like his band. I mean they always joke around by saying Swellbow sucks, but when I said it on my scooter I got the living shit kicked out of me. I just want to be understood. I have Terets, so I couldn't help myself from saying "Swellbow SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS"

More news will be posted soon weather the family of Scottie Mark will press charges or not, but for now Joseph Mercado remains free to cause extreme pain to more kids scootering.

Written by John Williams

Sea Lions - Everything You Wanted to Know About Sea Lions But Were Too Afraid to Ask

Finally a band that knows how god awful Oxnard is, I present to you local natives Sea Lions. Where being sad is not a trend, but Oxnard is the place to make wonderful friends!

1.	Intro	9.	I Loved Her So Much
2.	I Should Be Sleeping	10.	What's The Point?
3.	Grown Up	11.	Running In Circles
4.	Tell You	12.	Untitled (Guitar)
5.	A Cloud	13.	My Girl
6.	Look	14.	As Times Change
7.	Rainfall	15.	A Song For Your Smile
8.	I Don't Wanna Go Out

I have assembled a lovely poem to personally describe how every song off the new Sea Lions record can tell a beautiful story about living in Oxnard! Now ladies be prepared to dance, you just might shit your pants!

"There's no need for introductions, but I should be sleeping, BUT I'm just all grown up now I'll tell you, but hey look there's a cloud! It's raining now and I don't wanna go out, but I loved her so much yet what's the point? I'm just running in circles and can only play untitled songs off my guitar because she's my girl. And as times change, you'll have a song.. For your smile."

If you think Black Lips are hip and Harlem just isn't giving you your indie pop fixation anymore, may I recommend to you these lovely young lads! When Adrian Pilado is not writing songs by himself in his bedroom or breaking young women's hearts he is of coarse doing what all young men do. Masterbating exclusively while he tries to take the clothes off his fellow bandmates.

Now Sea Lions is good and all, but clearly WAVVES is 100x better. Songs about smoking weed and living on the beach surpass songs about being bored and lonely. People don't give a fuck about how sad someone is [I'm not a loser]. However many males especially in the new uprising powerviolence scene find the tambourine Katie Chavez very attractive.

So if you don't like already then well don't. They wouldn't like it if you liked them anyways. Go listen to better bands like WAVVES and BEST COAST. [Never gonna stop me, KING OF THE BEACH!]

Download Everything You Wanted to Know About Sea Lions But Were Too Afraid to Ask here!
http://www.mediafire.com/?r5fqjx71qmt6nbu

Written by John Williams and associates

Swellbow - Split

There are some terrible bands out there in Ventura County, but this band clearly blows more than any other. As we all know skate punk died when most of the stars in the skateboarding punk rock community over-dosed on heroin and or cocaine from partying too much and Swellbow is clearly one of those god awful 80's revivalist skate punk bands.

Photograph taken by John Williams

Famous Child Star, Joseph Mercado (Singer of Swellblow) is the poster boy for modern suburbia punk rock which most of us have come to call via Black America "Yuppie Youth" [Yuppie kid I hate and your gang of inbreds]. I personally have witnessed Joey Mercado's supreme faggotry on a higher level. I have yet to see this young 12 year old boy's penis and neither has he seen mine. I mean we went on tour together and he wouldn't let the guitarist of Violent Americans spoon with him after getting out of jail. Talk about helping your fellow punk rocker.

The split opens with titled track (Rip it Up) more realistically a blatant rip off of Kiss's beloved 80's single (Lick it Up). That's the only reason kids sing that song, not because it's catchy, or by the fact that Swellbow stole (Rip it Up), the band Adolescents from the 80's played it as well. However the Adolescents are nowhere nearly as gay as Swellbow is, so they can play it without people having to question their sexuality.

Photograph taken by William Moncayo

The tape fast forwards to (Bad Habits), but to me the only bad habit is Luis Amezcua (Bassist of Swellblow) and his massive tendency to take his clothes off after midnight. No joke that every place we  went to, Luis had to expose his penis with a big bright smile. What kind of homosexuality is that! The song is supposed to be about girls, but who the fuck sings about girls anymore? This is not 1985. Milo has gone to college, music is no longer on MTV, we finally got through to you, i wasted my time on conformity, and i know how old I am.


(Perfect Life) just reminds the audience how good Joseph Mercado has it by talking about how perfect his own life is! You might think he's singing about how shitty rich people are and how [Perfect] they think they are, but NO! Joey is only singing about himself! And he knows that Luis Amezcua lives with 20 of his cousins and Frankie (Drummer of Swellbow) lives in the forest of Moorpark but only can rub in their face about how good he has it!

Photograph taken by Williams Moncayo

Skate punk bands obviously were disliked in highschool, so it only makes sense that (Big Shot Jock) makes an appearance on this tape by talking about how horrible jocks are.  They clearly do not like the fans of Weekend Nachos or Madball and most likely Hatebreed because they want them to go away. No were not talking about [Go away, never gonna need you, never gonna need you] of the chorus of the latest Violent Americans single elitist off their upcoming 7 inch, but a place of solitude and loneliness. Possibly a place where Andy (Guitarist of Swellbow) crys himself to sleep at night knowing that his jock peers are truly "Big Shots"

Photograph taken by Emily Charnock

Of coarse clearly another band trying to be just like WAVVES or Katy Perry and having a illuminati reference or maybe Swellblow is just trying to become a beloved powerviolence band like the other 10,000,000. This split clearly is god awful and should be only taken sarcastically. Violent Americans side to be reviewed soon!


Listen to the split here: http://swellbowsftb.bandcamp.com/

Written by John Williams

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Boston Strangler - Primitive LP

Every-time this band repress's their record, copies are sold out almost instantly and finding one on ebay itself still can cost one a pretty penny nearing $79.99. Boston Strangler is pure original Boston Hardcore that is not like many bands that have debuted from Boston in passing years. This is not Have Heart or DYS  for this is much more Hardcore.

Starting off with (Primitive - Heard off their early promo tape) Boston Strangler chants a barrage of one simple statement being the term "Primitive". Following in traditional hardcore formula the song definitely warms up a crowd live with it's youth crew sing a longs and mosh-head riffage. That is how the rest of the LP is and is pure perfection. 

Go bedroom mosh to Boston Strangler and pick-up their latest LP to add to your record collection. But be for-warned if you do not order within 24 hours of a label restocking on it then you'll be left to the treaded bay of the ebay. 

Download here: http://www.mediafire.com/?vjtn5tcmc076ub8

Written by John Williams

Mud Mouth - Everything's Great But Not Really

The bay area has a reputation for putting out some of the raddest bands from California ranging anywhere from the dreaded hardcore-post punk galore of Ceremony to the berkeley hardcore Tankcrimes alumni Strung Up. [One thing I could say to you if I could say no more]

For fans now of the real pop punk bands such as Kid Dynamite, The Ergs, Beatnik Termites, and Descendents then get ready for one of the better new coming bands from the Bay Area in this review. Rising from the ashes of ex Black America this band Mud Mouth gives the modern pop punk bands a run for their money. 

Make no mistake these songs are not about how [fresh] their ex girlfriends were or how [lonely] they are. These songs are about swimming in one's own seamen, having sex with hot pockets, and subjects most that most people tread away from. That is one stands Mud Mouth out from when pop punk was destroyed by the extreme flamboyancy and warped tour crap post 2006. 

Listen to Mud Mouth here!

http://mudmouth.bandcamp.com/album/everythings-great-but-not-really

Written by John Williams